Sometimes when I sit and look at past and present photographs it makes me realize just how short most of our lives really are and how fast time flies.  It seems like the older I get the more time speeds by and makes me sit back and gasp and wonder where it flew to. 

                                                          Thom, Kris, Lyn and I
When I was younger, just becoming an adult I had so many dreams.  Some of them were as realistic as the next persons was.  I wanted to have a family, a loving husband, a couple of children and I really wanted to go somewhere with the gift I feel I have had since birth.  The ability to grown any ornamental plant that I put my hands on. But some how things didn’t turn out quite the way I had envisioned it. Bad things got in the way caused by those that were supposed to love and cherish all of my life and I think it left me broken for a very long time.  Stuck in the vicious circle and still not finding a way to get myself out.  It took me a long time to realize that I had been broken and that I had to literally drag myself out of that hole and find a way to recover and become a better person even though I don’t see that there was anything really wrong with me to begin with. Being told you are worthless and will amount to nothing tends to make one turn out that way I think.

So going to higher education ended up being put on the back burner for awhile.  Then I met a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and he’d love me and love his beautiful children.  That’s not how it turned out though.  But out of all this I ended up with three of the most beautiful children any mom could ever want.  I don’t mean beautiful on the outside.  I’m talking about from the inside.  They have suffered as much as I have during the time when things got rough before their father ended his life so abruptly and rudely.  How anyone could do that to his own children is beyond me.  It didn’t matter to me that he did it to me, it mattered more that he had done this to our kids, causing them mental injury, scaring them for the rest of their lives.  

                                                                      Lyn and Thom

They to had to work towards getting past that major injury.  I believe the girls has done well but I’m not so sure about my son.  He still struggles and he still has no focus on where he wants his life to go and I know he’s an adult and I have to sit back and wait for him to figure it out himself and all I can do is to help support what he finally chooses to do with is life. 

I was one of those that decided to be a stay at home mom and raise them to the best of my ability.  It just didn’t make sense at the time to work and give daycare all of the money I earned so that they could raise them.  I think if it hadn’t been for me making this sacrifice, my children might not have turned out to be as good and beautiful as they are.  During that time I did go to college and get two different degrees but still I have done nothing with either of them.  Why?  I just don’t know.  When I was thrust back into the real world, I realized that during the current state of affairs with our country, finding a good job at my age doing what I love or didn’t love just wasn’t going to happen.  I didn’t have any job background.  I had plenty of education to start me off but just not enough to be competitive with other people who were half my age and had just as many educational credentials.  So there it is, another gone chance to do something with my life. 

                                                              Kris and Lyn

I am not sitting here writing about all of the “what if’s” that could have occurred in my life. I don’t really believe in “what if’s.”  It is what it is.  That is not it at all. I think it’s more about reflecting on my life as a whole and wondering what legacy I will leave behind for my children and grand children to come.  What will I be known for?  What thoughts and feelings will they have about me as a mom and a major influence in their life?  Have I made enough of a difference in their lives so that they can lead a productive loving lives till they are at my age and probably do what I’m doing now, reflecting?

                                                               Kris and Lyn 

Of course my life has taken a more different turn over the past couple or so years that turned out to be quite unexpected to say the least. I will write more about this later.  I have often questioned the thoughts about whether I have made a difference about anything in this life, have I been enough of a good role model for my children so that they led good clean lives and cared about their own families as well as the people around them.  I hope they will not spend much time spinning in circles about past things.  I’m hoping so much for my son to get out of that circle too and get on with the job of living too.  

                                                                 Kris and Lyn

So now I sit here looking at present photo’s of my children.  I have realized they are no longer babies in my eyes like I used to feel.  They are grown ups.  One of them is a mom now.  She now has the same sacred job to raise her daughter to be the best she can be and to push her to aspire to be more than she is.  I am so proud of Kriston and the path she has taken and the beautiful grand daughter she has given me makes life so much more precious.  I just cannot wait to finally have my little Abby in my arms to love and spoil and then give her back to her momma and remind Kris that one day Abby will give her grief just like she has given me a few times. LOL They both have so much to look forward to.  Kris gets to watch as her daughter grow and progress forward, turn into the most beautiful daughter any mom and grandmother could want.  

                                                                     Kris and Abby

Then I think about my oldest.  Lyn has grown into a fine young woman.  She has been fighting the good fight to get through college and still working hard to make something with her life relating to college.  She has been accepted into the surgical tech program and I am so excited for her.  She is starting a new phase in her life and school will be difficult but as long as she perseveres she will do well with it.  I am so proud of how she continues to aspire to be more than she is.  She’s probably had it the hardest of all three in relationship to being the oldest.  I can relate because I was the oldest too.  Funny how that goes from one generation to the next.  I know she’s had to work harder than most people her age to get where she is now.  She has retained that beautiful demeanor though  and I’m glad about that. 

                                                               Lyn and Eric

So the question still remains, what legacy will I leave for my children? Who knows and will it even matter?  I will have to give this some more thought later.  

                                                        Lyn and Luna 

More blog writings will follow about this and that and whatever……. 

                                                                  Lyn and Luna

Webs Yarn Store Blog

“I live on the top of the world. In the never-summer mountains of Wyoming, 8,000 feet closer to the sky, when spring finally comes to save me from a perpetual winter, and the world comes to life again, I remember what it is I am here for. I’m the only daughter in a long line of ranchers. And when we let our horses out every spring, I love to watch them rediscover the world. I can see in them an expression of my own restless spirit. Charged with an appetite for adventure, they take to the land without hesitation. They are pure power. When I see them running free, I often think of the first horses and how they were the true pioneers of America.

The stories we hear about how the West was won are all lies. The history of the West was written by the horse. Where ever a settler left his footprint, there was a hoof print beside it. Men came further and further to stake their claim in the great American wilderness. But they encountered a strength that couldn’t be tamed. Wild horses. Mustangs. The settlers called them parasites that stripped the land and starve their own herds. They couldn’t domesticate them so they destroyed them. Isolated and hungry, they were on their way to disappear from the face of the earth. Sometimes when light goes away an afterimage remains, just for a moment. Mustangs are an afterimage of the West, no better than ghosts hardly there at all. No one really wants them, not ranchers, not city people. That’s their destiny. Let them disappear once and for all, along with the other misfits, loners, and relics of the wilderness no one cares about anymore. Lucky for us, a few Mustangs survived, hidden away in the mountains. We need to protect them, for they are the hope for some kind of living memory of what the promise of America used to be… and could be again.”

                         Skamp, me Skamp; Shotgun – Oh how I miss them, especially Shotgun

Yes I love some of the quotes that exist in X-Files.  They are so darn deep!

    “They said the birds refused to sing and the thermometer fell suddenly as if God Himself had His breath stolen away. No one there dared speak aloud, as much in shame as in sorrow. They uncovered the bodies one by one. The eyes of the dead were closed as if waiting for permission to open them. Were they still dreaming of ice cream and monkey bars? Of birthday cake and no future but the afternoon? Or had their innocence been taken along with their lives buried in the cold earth so long ago? These fates seemed too cruel, even for God to allow. Or are the tragic young born again when the world’s not looking? I want to believe so badly; in a truth beyond our own hidden and obscured from all but the most sensitive eyes…”

    “In the endless procession of souls… in what cannot and will not be destroyed. I want to believe we are unaware of God’s eternal recompense and sadness. That we cannot see His truth. That that which is born still lives and cannot be buried in the cold earth. But only waits to be born again at God’s behest… where in ancient starlight we lay in repose”

“Time passes in moments. Moments which, rushing past, define the path of a life, just as surely as they lead towards its end. How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen? To consider whether the path we take in life is our own making, or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed?

But what if we could stop, pause to take stock of each precious moment before it passes? Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life? And, seeing those choices, choose another path?”

                            My Youngest Daughter and my currently only grand daughter Abby.
 

Surrender

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. . . .

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
– Max Ehrmann

March 11, 2011

Today was just beautiful!  Very little wind. I noticed it a little bit and it almost made me turn back to go back home because I hate the wind more than anything because it makes it colder not to mention it seems to effect how I breathe for some reason.  BUT……… Something caught the corner of my eye and when I could get a better look, I could see an iceberg from a distant and that was enough motivation to continue on with the walk for me and Ichi. We walked about 2.5 hours total today and it sure was nice getting out for some nice walking and fresh air too and I know Ichi loved it too.

                                             My Florida dog Ichi who is now slowly becoming an Artic dog.  She just loves the snow I have noticed.  She loves going out as much as possible to walk and explore. I am looking forward to when Spring/Summer gets here so that we can take walks around the lake where I can turn her loose.  She will love that.

So here is some photo’s of our walk from today.  They are at different angles and reference points while out on our walk today.  Some may look similar but they were taken from different parts of Qaqortoq harbor.

                                                   Qaqortoq, Greenland
 This was taken from one side of the harbor facing a small area of the village.  I just love how the snow sets off all the brightly colored houses and buildings.

                                       Qaqortoq Harbor.  One day I hope to have a nice digital camera so that I can enhance these sunshine shots more.  I just loving incorporating sun into photo’s but sometimes the camera doesn’t seem to know how to handle it I don’t think.  This is across the harbor from another spot I found.

                                             Now is this a splendid iceberg or what?  It’s a good sized one in fact and I was just tickled pink to get to see one this large in size.  I sure would love to be able to touch one in the future too.  They are awesome to be up so close and words just can’t even express how magnificent they really are.

This is a close up shot of the same iceberg above.  I wish I could have got even closer physically but the snow and frozen areas near this area were entirely too treacherous.  So I opted to stay where I was which would keep me safe.  It’d been a different story though if the snow and ice were gone. I’d been down there a lot closer. 🙂

This one is a shot of a second iceberg I was able to get a halfway decent shot of.  It was across from the harbor and it’s nice sized too.  I like how they have the darker blueish colors in them too.  My husband Nikolaj says that it is said that the bluer colors signify very pure water in them.  Makes me want to get a boat and go cut a piece off to test out that theory. 🙂 Just beautiful what mother nature creates.  😛

Another shot of the same second iceberg at a slightly different angle and a little be closer as well.

The sun does the neatest things when it relates to still waters along with some of that water having a thin sheet of ice on it in spots too.  Creates lots of reflections.  Sure wish I had a nicer camera that I could use filters with for these kinds of shots. 🙂 Either way I still like the photo and how it turned out.  Only thing I dislike is the red circles that sometimes makes an appearance on photo’s like this.

                                                        Sunset over Lake Tasersuaq

                                                                   Qaqortoq harbor

Coming soon… Finish crochet scarf.

                                       
March 08, 2012

There was finally a temporary break in the weather.  Of course the sky looked like it was ready to drop loads of snow but I was able to get out and take myself and Ichi for a much needed walk after having been held captive for six days by the weather.  Five of which had it so we couldn’t even get out the door due to the high gale forced winds that piled the snow all the way up to the roof in front of the entrance to the house.  Needless to say we couldn’t get out and even if we could have, the wind itself would have kept us indoors. I think the wind has created a lot of issues relating to the snow over the past few days. I’m hoping that we won’t have any like this again for awhile but I’m not holding my breath. 🙂

                                                    This was what my front entrance was looking like but of course by the next night that hole was completely covered and extended way out to the front of the house.

                                                This is just outside the Master bedroom window which is a few feet from the entrance.  The snow is up to the height of the roof of the entrance.

I think I have the crochet fever now.  I have multiple projects going on at the same time.  I spend time on each project just about everyday.  I decided I’d start posting my projects here with some writing about them and add to the writings as I get further along with my projects.  I’m not a big writer but I have this friend who I no longer hear from or get to talk to that showed me that writing is a great tool for unloading things that are inside or just for discussing things one does in their daily lives.  I still struggle at times with writing but I think I’m going to really make it a mission in my life to write about things more often.  Who knows, maybe I can get them put into little scrap books and then they can be given to my kids for fun reads or for keep sakes.  I think it means something to be able to leave something for our offspring that they can read and cherish not to mention pass down to their offspring if they want to. 

So here it goes.  This is my first go at what is called the Tunisian Entrelac on the Round.  When I first saw this pattern I really wanted to try it but I just didn’t have the proper tools or didn’t think I did anyway.  So I ordered a Tunisian hook and what I got was a very skinny one in a 4mm hook. I’m fine with the hook size but the slenderness of the hook is slightly cumbersome to work with. I have one in USA but it’s in storage and I’m not sure if and when that will get sent to me along with all the yarn and stuff I left behind.  I hope sooner than later that is for sure.

So anyway thanks to an online You tube tutorial hosted by Bethintx1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npSvDgFLU7Q&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=SP8F0061A863F4F4D1

I am on the road to learning how to make my first afghan using this stitch pattern.  It’s not as difficult as I thought it would be.  I am sure though it will take me a long while to make it depending on the size I decide to make it.  Either way it will be a time consuming but it will be relaxing and fun. I can work on this while watching TV or a movie or take it out with me to sit in the sun enjoying the warmth once spring finally comes to the country of Greenland.  I have to say it has been Siberian cold over the past two weeks here in South Greenland.  It was warmer in January!  February became extraordinarily cold.  I guess the fastest way to break me into the weather patterns here is to start out with the harshest possible weather first. Hehe.  I have enjoyed all the snow though. I’m just truly amazed at how soft and fluffy the snow is not to mention when it’s covering brightly painted houses its just gorgeous to look at. I have been taking a lot of photo’s now since moving here in August 2011 and I think that I have found a place to feel what it means to be at peace.  Everyday life here is so sheltered from the outside world.

                                                   Qaqortoq, Greenland 02/2012

Back to the subject at hand now that I have managed to get myself sidetracked on another subject while writing about the current one at hand.  I found the stitch pattern to be easy enough. When I can find some simple written directions on making the Tunisian Entrelac stitch I will add it later here. 🙂  So here is a photo of my first go with this pattern stitch.  I like how the colors are blending well with each other as well.

                                                Tunisian Entrelac Crochet

More writing on this subject coming soon…..

August 2011 was a monumental month in my life.  I think that I should back track a little bit to set the stage for the many changes that would start occurring over a two year period.

During the summer of 2009 I had a visitor from a far away land.  We had been friends online for many years and had developed a really great friendship.  He’d been there for me like so many other online friends had been during the roughest periods of my life over a ten year period.  So one day earlier in the year of 2009 Nikolaj had told me that he was planning to visit Florida and he wanted me to come and visit with him in Tampa.  He planned to spend a week down there and then wanted to come up to Lake City where I lived to visit and to go on a little bit of a tour of whatever I chose to show him being he was going to be the tourist.  This was going to be his first trip to America from his own country Greenland. 

                                         My Cowboy!  Nikolaj!

Funny thing is, more people than not don’t have a clue where the country Greenland is even geographically located which is a little disconcerting as well as amusing. At that time I had never been across the big pond so other than seeing the photographs over the years of places like Greenland (Nikolaj’s) native land as well as photographs relating to France (Alain’s) native land, I have been lucky enough to get some geography lessons over the years because of these two men. Anyone that says you cannot make friends with people on the internet don’t have a clue at all to what they are talking about.  It takes time to build a relationship but with the internet being so easy to access these days it’s not to terribly hard to make friends over the years with some really great people. I have noticed that a lot of them seem to have talents in things too.  The internet has made our world a much smaller place. 

                                          Nikolaj & I – Walt Disney World 2010
                                          
When Nikolaj came to visit in August something unexpected happened between us.  Neither of us was expecting what would happen either.  We had been friends for some long but neither of us had thought anything about going beyond that at the time.  I was still feeling the effects from hardships of a previous 21 year long marriage.  It ended tragically with the death of my first husband and the loss that hit our children the hardest.  It was a tragedy in proportionate levels that would effect my children for some time afterwards due to the nature of how his life ended.  So I was still working my way through that and helping the kids and it was a tough road indeed. 

                                          Qaqortoq Harbor 2012

Then there came Nikolaj.  Like this shining beacon on a foggy morning.  The smile on his face, the humor, the way he talked to me and how he made me feel so comfortable. I had never met anyone like him.  So before we knew it we became a couple over the following months.  His first visit was incredible and I made sure to take him on some tourist visiting while he was in Florida for his first visit.  He then came back for a second trip in the spring of 2010.  He spent about six weeks with me in Florida and our bond deepened and grew in leaps and bounds.  Before he left he asked me to marry him and how could I say no.  He made me feel like a princess.  I wanted to be with him.  Of course we had a of things to figure out too over the next several months and it wasn’t easy making all the decisions we had to make relating to our becoming a couple as well as being together under one roof. 

                                            Our Home – 2012

So in December of 2010 he flew me to Greenland to see how my health would react to Greenlandic weather as well as the lifestyle.  Of course I was in awe because I had never crossed the big pond so being the newbie that I was, everything was like “the first time.”  I took lots of photographs too.  The flight to Greenland turned out to be rough but once I arrived in Greenland it was much better after that.  The culture here in Greenland is like nothing I had ever been exposed to.  The people here seem uncorrupted by the world that moves around this island.  Villages have no infrastructures between them, so the only way to get from one village to another is to fly or go by boat or ship.  I have to say that the entire six weeks I was in Greenland was both eye opening as well as exhilarating.  I can’t remember feeling this free ever.  It was quite liberating. Then we made the decision to get married while I was in Greenland so on January 2nd, 2011 we got married.  Of course I had to return to the United States and we still hadn’t made a finalized decision on who was going to make the big move. 

                                             Qaqortoq Harbor Sunset 2012

It was hard leaving him after being there in Greenland for the six weeks and being newlyweds only compounded that.  It was very difficult in fact to be so many thousands of miles apart but life goes on as we all know.  After a few weeks we had finally come to the conclusion that it was better for me to do the move than for him to.  He has this great job that pays well and right now with the current financial crisis that my own country is suffering along with the high unemployment rates being up, it only made sense for him to stay in his and me come to him and put everything in storage and sell what wasn’t going into storage. 

I had four horses too and had to sell them or try to anyway along with a vehicle.  I have since got three of the four horses into new homes but alas my oldest horse which is the best horse I have ever had is still currently being boarded.  I haven’t found the right home for him and I sure do miss him too.  I had been barrel racing with him for three years and I had finally started getting a lot better with my riding too.  I sure do miss riding that is for sure.

                                           Nikolaj & Ichi & I 2011

More writing coming soon………….

This is a Crochet pattern I am currently working on.  I’m having some trouble with interpreting the directions.  So I hope that somebody reads this might can help define the directions into simpler terms so that it makes more sense then the way it is currently written.  So if you can show me an easier intepertation of this, it would be greatly appreciated. 🙂 The pattern was offered free from:
http://www.craftown.com/crochet/pat46.htm

Fan Pattern Shawl

Fan Pattern Shawl – Free Crochet Pattern

This pretty fan pattern shawl is a lovely accent piece for any wardrobe.  It can be used to accessorize in all four seasons, made from all types of colors and yarns, and can also be given as a treasured hand-made gift.  This free pattern crochets up nice and easy, and your efforts will be well worth the resulting shawl. 


Difficulty: Easy

Sizes: 56″ wide; 33″ deep at center back, plus    fringe.
Materials: About 1400 yards of mercerized knitting and crochet cotton. Steel crochet hook No. 1.
Gauge: 3 meshes (ch 2, dc) = 1
Instructions for Shawl:
Shawl: Beg. at lower center back, ch 19.

Row 1: Dc in 7th ch from hook, (ch 2, sk next 2 ch, dc in next ch) 4 times. Ch 5, turn each row.

Row 2: (Sc, ch 2, dc) in first ch-2 sp, (ch 2, dc in next ch-2 sp) 3 times, ch 2, (dc, ch 2, dc) in last sp. (7 dc)

Row 3: (Dc, ch 2 dc) in first ch 2-sp, * ch 2, dc in next ch 2 sp, repeat from * across, end ch 2, (dc, ch 2, dc) in last ch 2 sp (do not work in turning ch). (8 dc)

Rows 4-9: Repeat row 3. (14 dc)

Row 10: * (Dc, ch 2, dc) in first ch-2 sp, (ch 2, dc in next ch 2 sp) 5 times, ch 2, * 5 dc in next ch-2 sp, ch 2, # (dc in next ch-2 sp, ch 2) 5 times, (dc, ch 2, dc) in last ch 2 sp #.

Row 11: Work from first * to 2nd * on row 10, dc in next ch 2 sp, dc in each of next 5 dc, dc in next ch 2 sp, ch 2, work from first # to 2nd # on row 10.

Row 12: Work from first * to 2nd * on row 10, dc in next ch 2, sp, dc in each of next 7 dc, dc in next ch 2 sp, ch 2, work from first # to 2nd # on row 10.

Row 13: Work from first * to 2nd * on row 10, 5 dc in next sp, ch 4, sk next 3 dc, sc in next dc, ch 4, sk next dc, sc in next dc, ch 4, 5 dc in next sp, ch 2, work from first # to 2nd # on row 10.

Row 14: Work from first * to 2nd * on row 10, dc in next sp, dc in each of next 5 dc, dc in next sp, ch 4, sc in next sp, ch 4, dc in next sp, dc in each of next 5 dc, dc in next sp, ch 2, work from first # to 2nd # on row 10.

Row 15: Work from first * to 2nd * on row 10, (dc in next sp, dc in each of next 7 dc, dc in next sp, ch 2) twice, work from first # to 2nd # on row 10.

Row 16: Work from first * to 2nd * on row 10, (5 dc in next sp, ch 4, sk next 3 dc, sc in next dc, ch 4, sk next dc, sc in next dc, ch 4) twice, 5 dc in next sp, ch 2, work from first # to 2nd # on row 10.

Row 17: Work from first * to 2nd * on row 10, ( dc in next sp, dc in each of next 5 dc, dc in next sp, ch 4, sc in next sp, ch 4) twice, dc in next sp, dc in each of next 5 dc, dc in next sp, ch 2, work from first # to 2nd # on row 10.

Row 18: Work from first * to 2nd * on row 10, (dc in next sp, dc in each of next 7 dc, dc in next sp, ch 2) 3 times, work from first # to 2nd # on row 10. (3 pats)

Rows 19-99: Repeat rows 16-18 having 1 more pat every 3 rows. Ch 1, run at end of last row.

Row 100: Sc in each st across. End off.

Finishing: Steam lightly.

Fringe: Wind yarn around 8″ cardboard. Cut one end. With 8 strands together, fold strands in half, pull loop through ch-5 turning ch, pull end through loop; tighten knot. Knot a fringe in each turning ch on sides of shawl. Trim ends evenly.

 This is what it looks like so far and for some reason I feel that it is not correct.  It doesn’t look like anything.

 This is what it looks like as of February 27th, 2012.  A few more rows along and it’s more or less starting to look more like a pattern is developing within this shawl pattern. I still find it disturbing that the top wants to curve like that.  I’m not sure why that is either.  I will keep on working with it and see where it takes me. 

I will be finally taking the time to start updating my blog and fixing some things I just hadn’t bothered to mess with in the past. 🙂

What constitutes poor? Is it from a more materialistic point of view or from a more personal view? What does it mean to most people? Some would say being poor means not having things such as a roof over their head, no food, no clothes, all the things that most people take for granted on a daily basis. What about those who have had things in a materialistic way? Then in a blink of an eye it’s gone. Does that mean one is poor when that occurs? I think that I am beginning to understand at times what a personal struggle it can be trying to get through each day while trying to remain who I am or while trying to better myself in the process. I think that I took for granted or didn’t understand that I am a good person, that I am special and spent way to much time listening to the negative things that had been directed in my generalized direction.

I never thought that things could be as tough as they are now. I have been through enough struggle for anyone to have in their lifetime but the thing is, I never realized that it could be any worse than it is now. I think I grew so complacent and deaf that I just didn’t think that it would ever come to this point. I truly believe that people can become as complacent and then when something such as a death, the economy, war or all of the afore mentioned events, they stand back and ask, “what the hell just happened?”

When life’s happenings occur is it meant to happen in order to make us a better person? A stronger more centered person? I suppose this defines most people in that it either will break them down completely or they take a stand to fight harder to make it through the tough times. I just cannot understand why people would just lay down and die instead of trying to fight to live.

I think they are the ones that are poor though. Material things mean nothing if there is nothing in a life to make one happy or to guide them to be a better person, to be more than they are. I think a person could have all the things they ever wanted in life as far as material things and still find their lives incomplete and sad. It seems to me that instead of wanting to lay down and die, maybe they would want to find a way to move forward in order to make their lives more fulfilling.

So what would most find fulfilling? I know that as a mother I have found it quite fulfilling as well as mind-boggling. The joy of a new life, which grows in time to become an adult. It’s strange how they take on a mind of their own and let you know when they aren’t happy with something you might be doing even if it’s not affecting them. I think that most people spend nearly their entire lives learning all the nuances of every day life, struggles, raising a family and growing old. What will old age hold for me? Will I be healthy or will be I be dependent on my children or will they abandon me and stick me in some nursing home to die a lonely death?

What legacy will I leave behind? Will I be known as the person who loved to learn new things, or the person who had a give of plants or loved to photograph nature; A person who loved horses and dogs and cats. A person who loved children most of all and the joys that came with being around them. Or will I known as the person who never amounted to anything because her father said that was all she’d be or the wife to a man who was weak minded and decided to take the easy way out and end his life? What will my children think about me when I am gone? Will they feel that I had loved them with all my being or will they feel I shortchanged them in some way?

I am hoping as I go through these personal struggles that it will make me a better person instead. I hope that my goals will finally be fulfilled or known to me so that I feel as if I have accomplished more than what or who I am. I know that I want to be a better person but at same time I want to remain who I am.

On a more materialistic view, it is not much fun to wonder where the next tank of gas is coming from. How one is going to get to work, how they will get to school. Without funds, these things cannot be purchased. Can’t have one without the other. I am seeing more and more people here in this area riding bikes or riding motorcycles and even walking due to the deteriorating economy. I hope and pray that our next president will get this country back on it’s feet because our country is really in bad shape as far as I am concerned. This is America, the land of the free, the land of milk and honey, the land of opportunity! Right now I don’t think it’s any of those.

More to come as my thoughts become more fluent. I have had a lot of things going on in my mind lately and I feel like I need to get them out.

Wow! Yesterday it took me nearly an entire day to get my 2006 taxes as well as Thom’s and Kriston’s 2006-2005 taxes done. I’m glad it’s all over with now. Now it’s just a matter of me getting them into the mailbox today.

I’m unusually tired today. I think it’s because of my sleeping habits as usual. It doesn’t matter how early I go to bed, I still can’t seem to sleep past four/five hours which leaves me damn tired for the rest of the day. I hate this more than anything else. I’ve never been one to be a morning person however, with my schedule being like it is, i’m getting up at 5:30am two days a week. Then depending on which saturday it is, it’ll be way early or a bit into mid morning. Either way I’m still having issues with this schedule.

My future still weighs on me like a ton of blocks that are attached to a chain which in turn is attached to a noose around my neck. It’s as if it’s waiting for an excuse to just fall off into the water and take me with it. I am really hoping that all this will work itself out.

I’ve had a lot of things on my plate over the past 1.5 years. During the 20 almost 21 years of marriage and being a stay at home mom it didn’t occur to me to really think about my future. Yes I knew at some point I’d have to get a job and such, that’s not really what I am referring to.

I’m talking more about my future as in where do I want it to go, what will I do when I reach that age most american women and men reach where they have to retire but don’t want to and end up having to work in a grocery store because their retirement isn’t enough to live month to month from.

Another thing is, where do I go being I am a single woman at age 45. What could I offer a potential suitor at the age or above? I don’t look like I did when I got married at age 24. Even then I didn’t think I was all that sexy. I think that is just because of the way I grew up though. My dad drilled so much negativity in my head while I was growing up, one couldn’t help but think that same mindset when hearing it all the time.

It’s wierd really, even now I sometimes feel like I’m worthless. I know that is a bunch of bullshit though, I’m worth something even if it’s just me being me. So what does a woman my age do who has already raised a family, can’t have anymore children and doesn’t look like the sweet young honey that she did before she started having children along with genetics and medicine destroying the ability to be thin.

I look at my youngest daughter and realize “hey I used to look like her, so thin, thin, could wear just about anything looking like that,” and wish I could look that way again, but it is too late now to fix that issue. I don’t know that it could have been fixed if I was ten years younger for that matter. I hate being so fixated on this issue because I really want to meet a nice man and have dinner and movies and laugh and just have fun enjoying each other’s company. I’m not looking for somebody to settle down with. Not just “OH HELL NO, but DOUBLE HELL NO.” I just feel like I deserve a little fun and maybe a little piece of happiness or heaven as some define it.

What I do know is, which is looming over my head like an ominous black cloud getting ready to release all hell is the fact that I’ve got to have a job or jobs that can support me. I am trying not to think about the kids and what their plans are except for making sure the youngest goes straight into college just as soon as she graduates. I wish I could figure out how the hell to get Thom motivated into that same mindset. Girls are so freaking easy when it comes to motivation. Seems like guys/boys are just fucking brain dead at this young age.

So the goal at this point is going to be get another job to go with the one I have so that I can make ends meet. Also while looking for a job, look for a place different to live that might be cheaper in one way or the other as well as hopefully finding one somewhere way out side the city limits and maybe in the country as well. I know this is going to be to easy but such is life.